Shmuel responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I just put my dog Moishele, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Shmuel said, "Vell, I just got Moishele into the car and vas driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was really interested in Shmuel's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his dog Moishele".
Shmuel thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Vell, like I vas saying, I just loaded Moishele, my lovely hundteleh (dog), into the car and vas driving him down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the STOP sign and smashed my truck right on the side. I vas thrown into one of the ditches and Moishele vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting, real bad, and didn't want to move. However, I heard Moishele moaning and groaning. I knew he vas in terrible shape just by his groans. Den a Highway Patrolman came along. He could hear Moishele moaning and groaning so he vent over to him first. After he looked at him, and saw vat terrible condition Moishele was in, he took out his gun and shoots him between the eyes. Den the Patrolman comes across the road, gun still in hand, looks at me and says, "How you feeling?"
"Nu, Judge, vat vould you say ???
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One Shabbat morning, the rabbi noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the synagogue staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the rabbi walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good Shabbas Alex."
"Good Shabbas Rabbi," he replied, still focused on the
plaque. "Rabbi, what is this?" he asked the rabbi.
The rabbi said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, "Which service, mincha or ma'ariv ? (afternoon or evening service?)"
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A reporter was interviewing a 104-year-old woman.
"What is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She replied, simply, "No peer pressure."
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Morris went to his rabbi for some needed advice. "Rabbi, tell me is it proper for one man to profit from another man's mistakes?"
"No Morris, a man should not profit from another's man mistakes" answered the rabbi.
"Are you sure Rabbi?"
"Of course, I'm sure, in fact I'm positive" exclaimed the Rabbi
"Ok, Rabbi, if you are so sure, how about returning the two hundred dollars I gave you for marrying me to my wife.?
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A young boy decided that he wanted to become a Rabbi when he grew up, so his parents suggested that he go to speak to their Synagogue Rabbi to find out what the job entailed. "Ask me any question about the rabbinate and I'll give you the answer," declared the Rabbi when the boy went to meet him.
"Well, besides giving a sermon for about fifteen minutes on a Shabbat morning, what else do you do all week?" the boy asked.
"You don't want to become a Rabbi," thundered the Rabbi. "With questions like that you want to become the Synagogue president!"
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Izzy is walking down Wall Street with his friend, Jacob, when he suddenly says, "Did you know that I am a walking economy?"
Jacob answers, "What do you mean by that?"
"Well, it's like this, Jacob," Izzy answers. "My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."
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Menachem needs his tallis (prayer-shawl) dry-cleaned. He sends it to the best dry cleaner in town, Ho Chi Wung Cleaners. They tell him to come back in a week. When he comes back, they give him the bill, which says $50.00.
"Fifty dollars?!", Menachem reads, astonished.
"No, no, no!" replies the dry-cleaner. "Fie dorars to crean tallis, fory-fie dorars to take out all knots!"
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A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah
cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, " O my God. Has it come to this? Give me 6
Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."
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A woman called a local hospital. "Hello," she said. "I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I'd like to find out if the patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse."
The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
"Sarah Finkel in Room 302," the woman answered.
"I will connect you with the nursing station."
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I would like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in Room 302."
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."
"Thank God!" the woman said. "That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic, that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a family member or a very close friend!"
"Not exactly," the woman said. "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me anything."
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A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a rabbi in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The rabbi agreed and asked to see them individually.
So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the rabbi in the afternoon.
The rabbi, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is G-d?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The rabbi repeated the question. "Where is G-d?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
So, the rabbi raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is G-d!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! G-d is missing, and they think we did it!"
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When Mark came home, his wife, Sara, was crying. "Your mother insulted me," She sobbed.
"My mom? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" Mark grumbled.
"I know. But today a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened and read it."
"Oy. And?"
"At the end of the letter it said, 'PS. Dear Sara, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."
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The rabbi was hospitalized recovering from a heart attack when the president of the congregation visited him. He said: "Rabbi, I have good news and bad news."
"First the good news" the rabbi said.
"On behalf of the board of directors I am here to wish you a speedy recovery."
"That’s wonderful" said the rabbi, "and what’s the bad news?"
"The vote was 7 to 6."
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1. Avoid riding in automobiles because they are responsible for 20
percent of all fatal accidents.
2. Do not stay at home because 17 percent of all accidents occur in
the home.
3. Avoid walking on streets or sidewalks because 14 percent of all
accidents occur to pedestrians.
4. Avoid traveling by air, rail, or water because 16 percent of all
accidents involve these forms of transportation.
5. Of the remaining 33 percent, 32 percent of all deaths occur in
hospitals. Above all else avoid hospitals.
You will be pleased to learn that only 0.001 percent of all deaths
occur in worship services in a synagogue, and these are usually
related to previous physical disorders.
Therefore logic tells us that the safest place for you to be at any
given point in time is at Shabbat or Holiday services.
Torah Study is even safer. The number of deaths during Torah Study is too
small to register.
For safety's sake, go to Shabbat services, and attend Torah Study.
It could save your life!
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